Have you ever felt that weight of hopelessness, where darkness seems unending? I want to let you in on my story, a tale of overcoming a personal battle with depression and emerging more joyful on the other side. As I embark on the second year of the 'When Words Don't Come Easy' podcast, join me in this special episode as I share a transformative moment that reshaped my understanding of faith, hope, and the beauty that can be found in the midst of pain. Stick around until the end for a prayer tailored for anyone seeking a glimmer of hope in their own journey.
Follow on Instagram & Facebook: @AndyBHoward
Buy the book on Amazon: www.amazon.com/When-Words-Dont-Come-Easy/dp/1955362084
Listen to the first chapter: soundcloud.com/andy-howard-788712319
Learn more at AndyHoward.com!
Have you ever felt that weight of hopelessness, where darkness seems unending? I want to let you in on my story, a tale of overcoming a personal battle with depression and emerging more joyful on the other side. As I embark on the second year of the 'When Words Don't Come Easy' podcast, join me in this special episode as I share a transformative moment that reshaped my understanding of faith, hope, and the beauty that can be found in the midst of pain. Stick around until the end for a prayer tailored for anyone seeking a glimmer of hope in their own journey.
Follow on Instagram & Facebook: @AndyBHoward
Buy the book on Amazon: www.amazon.com/When-Words-Dont-Come-Easy/dp/1955362084
Listen to the first chapter: soundcloud.com/andy-howard-788712319
Learn more at AndyHoward.com!
Hey, what's up everybody today is going to be. It's going to be different. In fact, I don't know that I've ever done this and out of a whole year, the podcast I don't think I shared my personal testimony. May have shared bits and pieces of it throughout the year, but this is my testimony today and it's something I usually share on others podcast. But it's my own battle, going through depression and finding joy on the other side and there's hope for you and I want you to stick around to the very end. Could I do something that's different, that I usually don't do on a podcast, but today I felt led to I don't know, just felt led to pray for you, to pray for somebody who is tuning in to this particular episode. So if you're in a hard spot in your life right now maybe somebody sent you this particular episode stick around to the end and could I have a prayer just for you? All that more, it happens all right after this. Welcome back to the when Words Don't Come Easy podcast. My name is Andy Howard and this is a podcast about hope. It's about hope and it's hard to believe that we are well into well, not well in.
Speaker 1:This is officially the start of the second year, year number two, episode number 53. Today it's been a year since the book came out. The book came out a year ago, y'all, september the 27th. It released and, just reflecting for a moment, I am beyond tickled pink of all the things it's done, all the people who have sent amazing texts of how the book helped them at a time in their life when they needed it. All the doors that opened for me to speak at places and see how God moved in people's lives, and even the podcast of other podcasts. I've gotten to share Peyton's story, and so it's been a year and God has been so good and he's just been so faithful. He's continued to be faithful to me throughout all of it and I'm grateful y'all I'm at a place of gratitude today of all the stuff that we've went through and how God has used it for his good. He's worked out all things for his good. He's used Peyton's story to reach millions. It's something I talk about in the book and he's doing it.
Speaker 1:It's a prayer that I prayed and I always thought that it was just how he was going to enter. That prayer was going to be just this viral video, like she's going to come, run in here and interrupt this podcast right now. And for those who don't know, you know she's in a wheelchair now. She can't run, she can't walk, she can't talk. She's never done any of those things yet. But that's how I always thought her story would be used, that she's just running here and the video would go viral of the miracle. But he is using her story for me to help share her story across the world and literally seeing millions of people come to either know Christ or come to find hope through her story. I mean, I have gotten to speak at so many places and whether it's podcast or live on stage, and I am so blessed, so blessed at how he continues to use even the way I didn't expect it to happen, but he's answering that prayer. So, with that said, today I wanted to reflect back. I share this a lot on other podcasts when I am invited to speak, but I thought, wow, why don't I do that here? Because it's one year, one year ago, that the book came out, and so I just wanted to kind of share that testimony here for you. And what you need to know is I'll never forget Tiff and I.
Speaker 1:We were at a meeting at the chief neurologist of Dallas Children's Medical Center. Chief neurologist, the top guy and he walked in carrying a box of Kleenexes and he said there's not an easy way for me to tell you this your daughter will. She had just had an MRI and he said she's got 10% brain function. So she'll never be able to talk, she'll never be able to walk, she'll never be able to use her hands, like to use her fingers to pick up a pencil. If she's lucky she'll be able to use her arms to give you a hug, but she'll never be able to see. She's legally blind. She can see shapes and colors but, like if you're driving her down the road, she might see, you know, the brown or the green of the leaves in the bark, but she would never see the details of the bark and the leaves.
Speaker 1:It was at that point that everything just began to fade into the background. I heard what reminded me of Charlie Brown's teacher's voice and I just want, want, want. Going on as he continued to mutter some other things and soon he left the Kleenex's with us and said here, take your time, but I have to see some other patients, but you take your time here all the time you need. And he turned and he left, and I still hear the footsteps echoing as he walked down the hall, and I grabbed Tiffany's hand, and we both just wanted to get to safe ground as soon as possible, as all the emotions began to flood, so we were just wrecked. We were wrecked, and if you've ever been to Dallas Children's Medical Center, you know it's such a long hallway to the parking lot. We were trying not to make any eye contact with people.
Speaker 1:We were just trying to make it to the car, and as soon as I got to our car, I called my mom and dad. They were still living at the time. They were the ones I always turned to, and I received bad news. I received hurtful news, and I remember mom answered the phone and she said oh James, it's Andy, something's wrong, and I couldn't get a word out. I called them, and I couldn't get a word out of them, though, and they both just began to pray over us, and they began to pray and they began to intercede over us, and such a peace just overwhelmed me. It just filled the car and I found a second wind to get home and to drive, to compose myself, and it was just such a hard day. I won't ever forget it.
Speaker 1:But looking back, uh, you know, she's never done, as I've mentioned, a lot of those things even that he mentioned she would do. She does require full time nursing care. Uh, she's. She's just, she's weak. She has no muscle tone. I have to carry her as it's. It's one of the reasons why I have found fitness to be such a joy in my life, not only for the, for what it does for me mentally, for the mental clarity, but I have found joy in in she's the reason why I've turned my health around, cause, when I am 80 years old, I want to be able to carry her. I know she needs me.
Speaker 1:What I didn't know that night is that it would begin. So I made this vow that day and I told Tiff. I remember I remember telling her and I at the time I thought this. Maybe it was a good thing, I don't know, but it was just. What I felt was best for me as a dad at the moment was that I was going to beat down the doors of heaven every single day till my daughter received her healing. I was going to do that, I was going to pray every single day, and so I still had about an hour commute to and from work, and so in the mornings, I would use that time to pray for Peyton, and in the in the afternoons, when I got off work, I would use that time to pray for Peyton and I thought I was doing a good thing right. I mean, it had good motives behind it and all the reasons were good behind it, but somewhere along the way, somewhere along the way, those honest, sincere prayers turned into better prayers.
Speaker 1:I don't even remember how it happened, but then, all of a sudden, it's like these why me prayers like man, god, did you forget who I am? Don't you know who I am? Do you even care about me, like you promised you do? Have you forgot me? Am I the one Christian that you chose to forsake? You know his words are I will never leave you. I'll never forsake you. Did you leave me? That's just where I felt, and it just all this heartache began to pour out is somewhere along the way.
Speaker 1:I later found out I was depressed for a long season. I would put my smile on my face as I would go to church, as I would even serve as a youth pastor and even has God was using me to to touch kids lives and to change lives. Yeah, he wouldn't answer my own prayers, and it was so hard. And all the more I saw Tiffany being a champion. She was like what's next for my baby? I'm going to get her. You know, whatever therapy I can put her in, whatever classes we can get her in, even as soon as nine months old, she was already starting these therapy sessions at Baylor's, my children's house. All these things, I thought. Man, that made me even feel worse. Watching her be such a champion, I'm like look at you, you're supposed to be the dad, you're supposed to be the strong one. All these little things I put on myself and I found I was failing in every area.
Speaker 1:And so then, fast forward. We decided what we needed was a chance to take our mind off things. We would take this trip. It would be a vacation, it would be a beautiful setting, we would have friends with us. This would be what would fix things. So we took a trip down to Gulf Shores, alabama, with our dear friends, and one morning I had finally had enough. I could not. This was the peak of my depression. I could not sleep anymore. I mean, the food didn't even taste good, and this is saying something. I was a big old boy, right, I love food. Back back in the day, it was 300. I got up to 345 pounds. I was depressed. I was trying to cover my pain with food. That's what I was using.
Speaker 1:So this morning, on the very last day of the week, because I had spent all week seeing kids push their dads in a pool, why would I miss that? I don't know why, but I thought, wow, that sounds like such a fun thing. Look at all these kids push their dad in the pool. We're seeing kids bury their dad in the sand on the beach. We're seeing dads, you know, play, play with a soccer ball or toss a football around on the beach, or whatever you name it. All the things that I thought I was missing out on and I was at the height of my depression. And so the very last day it's the Friday morning, we're supposed to leave that afternoon and I was miserable, I couldn't sleep and I tossed and turned all night and I finally got up.
Speaker 1:It was around 430 in the morning and I thought I need to just get away. So I thought, for whatever reason, I could take a walk on the beach. Maybe the sounds of the waves are always refreshing or always nice for me. Let me just get away. I don't even know what. I wasn't praying, I wasn't seeking God, I was for sure. So I don't want this to sound like you know, it was a I don't know like an act of a holy thing, that I was doing, that I was seeking the Lord, I was worshiping it and worshiping my earbuds and I was praying to God. No, I was just walking just to get away because I was hurt. I felt cheated, like I was wronged. I'll never forget.
Speaker 1:I'm walking this beach and there was a couple, about a hundred yards ahead of me and I couldn't even tell what they were doing. They were so far ahead of me at the time. They had flashlights and I knew they were stopping every once in a while and doing something, but I couldn't tell they were. What was it? Was it even fishing or were they looking at certain types of fish? And then I realized every once in a while they would stop and pick up something, once while they would keep it, then Once while they would throw it down. And as I got there, as I got to where they were, I realized what they were doing. They were keeping. They were collecting seashells and they were keeping the whole and perfect shells, but then they would throw away the broken ones. And it was that moment I picked up one of the broken shells.
Speaker 1:It was at that very moment that I felt God whisper to me there's beauty in the broken, there's beauty in the broken is like this damn of all this pent up frustration and hurt and depression, just broke, man, it just broke and these tears just started flowing from my eyes and I couldn't stop. Couldn't stop it. I looked like a mad man and what I did? I just don't want my shirt up over and I started collecting all the broken seashells, like I didn't want the whole ones, I wanted the broken ones, and I collected hundreds of them that we still have today. That's still in Peyton's room, and as I collected them I don't even know how far I walked, miles I just felt this overwhelming peace.
Speaker 1:It was a piece that passes on understanding that the Bible describes, and it's at that moment I knew everything was going to be okay and I'm glad it was dark. I'm glad I was out there early, because, if I'm sure, if people saw me, just this man collecting broken seashells, crying like a mad man. I probably would have got arrested or something. I would have wondered what was going on. But I went back to the condo where we were staying and I told our friends and I told Tiff so I can be okay, and that was the beginning of my healing. The truth is, we're all jacked up, man. We're all broken people. That's what it reminds me. There is beauty in the broken. We all have some kind of broken. Your broken may not be the same as my broken, but you're dealing with something today. You stumbled upon this podcast today, not by accident, but so that I could tell you right now that there is hope. There is hope for you. There is beauty in the broken. No matter what you're facing today, god can use it for good. See what's crazy, and this is what I'm in with here.
Speaker 1:I remember I getting a text might have been an email, believe it was a text and an email from Jackie, a good friend of ours who is a pastor, and her and her husband Lee their pastors and during their worship experience at that at that service. She said she had a vision and she tried to write it down. This is where the email part comes in, because she tried to write it down as fast as she could. She didn't want to forget nothing. And this is just the gist of everything that I remember, just what she sent me, and it says that she saw Peyton laying in her room and she said does she have a hospital bed? She's never been inside Peyton's room. She's never. They're actually from Virginia, so they've never been inside her room here in Texas. And we were like, yes, so she does have a hospital bed.
Speaker 1:And she said, well, I saw her laying back in her hospital bed, but I saw like her spirit leaning up, like sitting forward at the front of the bed, like, with lack of better words, like crisscross applesauce. And then she saw at the foot of the bed. She realized why she was sitting up, leaning up. She saw it, jesus, sitting there with Peyton. And she said I could tell they were quite pals, they were quite close, and I don't know what they were playing. It didn't even matter anymore, cause I saw Jesus there but they were playing some kind of game, could have been checkers or chess.
Speaker 1:She said I didn't focus on that, but what I can tell you all this time I thought of all the things that I thought Peyton was missing out on All the never taking her first step, never, never saying her first word, never beginning to walk her down the aisle of her wedding. Why I all the tea parties that we were missing out on all the things I thought she was being cheated, god, she was being cheated on. What I didn't know, it's that the God of all creation, the savior of the world, had taken time to sit at her bedside. All this time I've been missing out on it, and if I could have only knew. I thought of all the things that Peyton is missing out on when she's like oh my poor daddy, my poor daddy, if he only knew the life I have and all the things he's missing out on by missing this one on one time like I get with you, jesus. How cool is that? I do know one day that I'll see her take her first steps. I do know one day I'll hear her say her first word. And how cool will it be if her first words are Jesus. It's a totally new perspective. I've come a long way. It didn't happen overnight, but God's been faithful through the whole journey and he's faithful for you.
Speaker 1:Whatever you're going through right now, I just want you to know there is hope. There is hope for you. In fact, I don't do this a lot not on a podcast but I fell ed to pray for you, so I just wanted to pray a simple prayer for you, and if you're, maybe you're new to faith or nothing weird's happening here, it's. I just wanted to pray a simple prayer of you, so Just know that there's hope in. I just fell out to do this. So, lord, I just asked right now, in the name of Jesus, whoever may have just now tuned in, whether it was on purpose or accident, or maybe someone sent this episode to them and they're in need of hope. So Now they're in need of a piece that passes all understanding.
Speaker 1:I pray right now that you would wrap your loving arms around them, that you would give them the greatest hug of all time. You would let them feel the peace, like I said earlier, god, the peace that passes all understanding. Your touch, jesus. Let them know that they're not missing out on anything, that your ways and your thoughts and your ways are higher than ours. You see the big picture and you understand everything that's going on in their life and, lord, whatever their need is, father, if you would just touch them where they're at right now and let them experience you like never before, because, lord, your word is that you promise this. You would never leave us, you never forsake us. Just like with Peyton. You're sitting at her pitside. God, you're with us too, and I thank you for that. Thank you for your faithfulness, thank you for your goodness, and I pray you just continue to touch them and, as they grow in their relationship with you, father, that the more they seek you, the more they find you. In Jesus' name, we pray Amen.
Speaker 1:Well, I hope this is just part of my story. It's been a year since the book came out. If you'd like to learn more, man, there's so much more to it. It's just the tip of the iceberg, but I hope it's been a blessing to you. If it's helped you, please share this episode with somebody else. That's what it's about. I'd be honored if you would. Thanks so much, and God bless you, man. I hope that was good for you. I hope that helped you.
Speaker 1:That's why I do it. That's why I share my story. That's why I'm vulnerable about some things that are not easy to talk about. It's for hope and to help uplift you and make your life better. I'm not some expert that has figured it out and has everything all together. I'm just a dude that's been through the trenches with you through depression and through heartache and through going through hard times in life, so I hope it helps you.
Speaker 1:If you haven't heard my whole story, feel free to grab the book at AndyHowardcom when words don't come easy. As the title it's also available on Amazon. I'll even read it for you on Audible or you can get it as well on Kindle. I pray it's a blessing to you and I pray it helps others. If you can be so kind to give me a five-star review, it will help others learn more about the book and the podcast. So I would be honored if you would do that. But please share this episode with a friend so that we can help others hear more about the goodness of God. Thank you so much for your time. God bless friends. Thanks so much for tuning in. If this episode helped you in any way, it would mean the world to me if you would leave a review and share it with somebody else. Thanks so much. See you next time.